My gum stuck to my lips today...

Have you ever had a day that you thought couldn't get much worse... but then it does?

Today, I popped a piece of gum into my mouth before I headed into a speech therapy session with an active little 20 month old boy. (Chewing gum is something I am addicted to...I like to have fresh breath at all times and mints are too much of a hassle. If I could brush my teeth every hour, I would...but clients might think it's weird if at the end of each session, I said, "Do you mind if I use your sink to brush my teeth before I go??")

My little friend really gave me a run for my money today. We jumped and climbed and ran and crashed and threw balls and kicked balls and squished balls! We were busy...so busy that I forgot to consistently chew my gum. Because of that and maybe partially because it had been in the oven on wheels that is my car for several days, that little nugget of gum was a nugget no more. Somehow, my gum had started to dissolve, and as it did, it worked its way out of my mouth and onto my lips. At almost the same instant I became aware of this situation, the timer was going off and it was time to clean up.

I sat facing an audience of family members who had been observing our session. Grandma had questions and so did Dad. It was then I realized that my lips were COMPLETELY COATED in sticky dissolved gum goo! Shit. I tried not to panic as I nonchallantly worked the residue off my top lip with my teeth. I wondered if it was noticeable. I took a sip from my water bottle. I was hoping the water would help, but no luck. I went back to my method of alternating discrete licks with fervent biting. I was desperate to get this shit off my mouth without anyone noticing.

It was useless. Getting this sticky goo off my face was going to take a good firm rubbing with some sort of napkin or cloth, preferably in front of a mirror. I didn't have any choice. I'd have to hope that the damage was subtle, and that I could answer their questions quickly without sparking more discussion. A little voice inside me said, "Maybe they haven't noticed it!"

I considered this. Yes. I decided, Yes...it was possible I was the only one who knew! The more I thought about it, the more i convinced myself. All I have to do is just pretend nothing is there. I can do this. I'll just talk around it until I can get the hell out of here!

I took another sip of water and felt my top lip get stuck in a curled back position.

Fuck. This can NOT be pretty.

My lips made a loud smacking sound as the gum intermittently forced me to pry open my mouth with so much force that my jaw would lock in an open position for a few seconds. I barreled on, and I had one joyful moment when I thought I had made it. I had done the impossible.

No one noticed!

I was pretty pleased with myself until I saw Grandpa point to his own mouth with a perplexed look on his face as he whispered something to his wife.

Fuck. They totally saw it.

I cleared my throat. It was time to address the elephant in the room. "You probably noticed that I have this gum stuck to my lips." They looked at their hands. They looked at each other. They looked anywhere but at my face."Somehow when I was running around, my gum...it just dissolved....and well, now, as you can see, it's just stuck on my face." Everyone looked uncomfortable. With a note of pity in her voice my little friend's mom said, "Do you want a wipey?"

I accepted it gratefully and rubbed the shit out of my face as I walked to my car. I started the engine so the air conditioning would begin to blow and then immediately flipped down the visor so I could see myself in the mirror.

What. the. fuck.

I stared incredulously at my reflection. The dissolved gum particles still stuck to my face were neon green.

NEON!!!!

I broke into a big belly laugh as I pulled away. I flipped through mental photographs of myself running around the living room with a bucket on my head saying things like "Woohoo!" and "Yippee!". How long were my lips covered in that shit before I noticed??? I shook my head. I do not even want to think about the conversation that happened after I left that house.

I craned my neck to check traffic in both directions. I am never going to be able to make a left turn here, I thought. After a few minutes, I saw my chance and I stepped on the accelerator getting to the other side of the street seconds before a shiny red minivan zoomed by. In the process, some of the things in my car shifted...including the tall travel cup that had the remains of my morning coffee in it. I watched the cup helplessly as if it were happening in slow motion. It toppled and dumped into the driver's seat. I tried to avoid the light tan liguid, scooting quickly to the edge, but it was too late. I felt a warm sensation as the coffee spill spread out under me. In a matter of minutes, it had been soaked up by the butt of my light blue scrub pants. Awesome.

The rest of my day was more of the same. The GPS sent me in circles; a kid decided to sit on me with a leaky, poopy diaper (that was fun...), I burned my finger on the hot, silver keys at the self serve pump and I spilled gas on my foot.

Blah, blah, blah. Ok, I'm done complaining...for now.

Tomorrow is a new day. Today was too ridiculous not to laugh at. (Actually, on second thought, it might be the wine that is making it so funny...Yes, yes, now that I am reflecting, I don't remember feeling all that giggly when I was walking around in the hot heat with poopy, coffee pants...yeah, that definitely was not funny one bit...)

P.S. My lips are STILL sticky!!!!