Saturday, August 20, 2011

Debbie Downers in your Life...

I love the Saturday Night Live character "Debbie Downer".

If you are not familiar with the character, here is a quick tidbit from Wikipedia for you: Debbie Downer is a name of a fictional Saturday Night Live character which debuted in 2004, and who was portrayed by Rachel Dratch. The character's name is a slang phrase which refers to someone who frequently adds bad news and negative feelings to a gathering, thus bringing down the mood of everyone around them. Dratch's character would usually appear at social gatherings and interrupt the conversation to voice negative opinions and pronouncements. She was especially concerned about the rate of Feline AIDS, a subject that she would bring up on more than one occasion.

I am fortunate enough to have a limited amount of Debbie Downers in my life, but every once in a while, an ANONYMOUS stranger likes to make sure they shit on my rainbow.

I don't mind it though...I've got a rainbow clean up crew that's always itchin' for overtime.

The fact that there can be so many different reactions to and interpretations of the same topic is fascinating.

It makes me wonder what it would be like to see the glass half empty, so to speak. I picture it being exhausting....and stressful. You're always eyeballing this imaginary glass, thinking to yourself, "DEAR GOD. WHEN, oh when...WHEN will the liquid run out?!?!" (said in a dramatic 40s style overdramatization...imagine a black and white version of me biting my balled fist)

Me? I much prefer the illusion of fullness. "Relax ya'll. There's plenty of wetness left in that there glass...we don't need to fret, child, there's bunches of refreshment for all." and "Chill, bitch! We gots the sauce..a plenty! Shiiiit." (To be said in a friendly, Julia Roberts style southern drawl and Gangsta' Easy E style, respectively)

It's like when you're sharing a pizza with someone, and you can tell as they eye the pizza, then your plate, then the pizza again, that they're doing pizza math in their head. They are mentally sweating as they calculate the number of people in the room vs. the number of pieces left. That's when I like to immediately say, "I'm full" whether I am or not...just to give the other person a break. Here's a few minutes of stress-free eating, buddy. Enjoy it. I guess it's just my magnanimous nature.

Recently, I had an encounter with a Debbie Downer Stranger...or maybe it wasn't a stranger...at all. (to be read in a Keith Morrison ala Dateline voice) Cue taboo voodoo idol music from the Hawaii episode of the Brady Bunch...

Yesterday, a reader of my blog who would only identify himself or herself or shimself as ANONYMOUS pointed out my lack of mores and sensitivity in regard to our impressionable youth and the turbulent state of our economy.

(ANONYMOUS commented on a blog I wrote last week called "Flash Mob Mentality". The blog is still there in its original distasteful format and the comment is right below it...in case you need to catch yourself up.)

I couldn't argue with this mysterious stranger. He or she or Shuh-he is absolutely right.

What a selfish viewpoint I have. If I were Catholic, I'd be doing 5o Hail Marys to make up for my harsh depiction of such obviously disturbed children. In fact, I'm booking a flight to the city of brotherly love right now. I'm going to get to the bottom of this. I need to personally help those kids that are only eleven-teen (which is most likely 5th or 6th grade). Maybe I could pretend to be Jonathan Smith from Highway to Heaven and show up at their doorstep! All I have to do is rent the spare room that is next door to them. Then I will casually become a part of their life so that I can help them through this difficult time, but first, I've got to make amends for what I've done!

Ok...for my first act of contrition, I immediately tried to regurgitate any residual Starbucks setting up camp in my stomach, but alas, it was too late.

Maybe I should go buy just one more drink...only I won't drink it. I'll give it to one of the homeless dudes I see standing by the freeway, waiting for spare change. Maybe it will give him the jolt he needs to start kickin ass in his life. Yeah...I could change someone's whole life! You've inspired me, ANONYMOUS.

From this point on, I'm only buying Starbucks for the needy... I might steal two to three sips per drink, but only when I'm thirsty or fully hydrated.

I'm also making big, BIG changes to my shopping routine. How could I possibly set foot in Nordstroms again, when I know that there are people suffering?

This DEFINITELY has inspired me.

ANONYMOUS is right...I'm turning over a new leaf. Big changes...they are a brewin'.

This is going to be a whole new life for me!

Fuck capitalism!

I'm going to sell all my worldly possessions.

I'm going to sell my house...no, no...I'm going to set up a free shelter in my house...yeah, that's what I'll do.

Then I will go on a Starbucks run for the homeless guys getting back on their feet on my way to free any and all primates from captivity.

I will also provide the primates with beverages, but NOT Starbucks. I hear that their social conscience is way too developed to indulge in such frivolousness.

1 comment:

  1. Plus, it's your moral duty to provide healthy drinks to homeless people. Why not start with something containing fiber like Beneful shakes?! Maybe this anonymous (what a coward by the way) could use some for the socially constipating views shim has?! If you're going to post something in order to point out other people's moral "ineptitutde" you should at the very least display the gumption to claim your words. So, I say to you anonymous....BABY!

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