Teenagers who work on commission...who the hell thought THAT would be a good idea??

So, I'm at Blockbuster tonight, and I approach the counter with my movie. I'm immediately greeted by an overly enthusiastic kid that looks to be about 16 years old with acne and frosted tips. (Shit, he was excited! He was like a human poodle.)

"Welcome to Blockbuster! I see you've made a selection!!! Can I get you any popcorn or candy to go with it?!!!!" He's smiling so broadly, I'm pretty sure I can see ALL of his teeth.

I'm usually pretty perky myself so I try not to judge fellow Pollyannas*, but this kid was like me on crack...after I just won the lottery...and I just lost 20 pounds...and I just ate 50 candy bars before I fed myself 100 teaspoons of sugar.
(*A 'Pollyanna' is someone who is so happy ALL the time that the people around them can barely control the urge to punch them in the face. Pollyanna was a Disney movie where Haley Mills played this really smiley, happy little girl who annoys a bunch of townspeople until they stop being annoyed and get really pissed...but then she breaks her leg and they all feel bad so they decide to be happy and annoying, too.)

I shake my head. "Um...no thanks. Just the movie." What I really wanted to say was, "What the fuck, kid!?! Ever heard of the belly fat cure?? NO?!? Well, I HAVE...I've heard A LOT about it, actually...I'll just be frank...it's my life, and well, you see, it restricts my sugar. So, that means..."NO! I can't have any delicious skittles or delectable sour patch kids so QUIT drawing my attention to them!"

He was about to scan my movie when he noticed that the girl next to him was done ringing up her customer. He quickly returned my movie and said, "OH! Looks like Brianna just became available. You can go ahead and move down." Was I waiting for Brianna? Why couldn't he just finish my frickin transaction?! Then I heard him upselling the candy to the next person in line, and I knew...

I'm interupted from my reverie when the baby-faced girl in front of me says, "M'am? Your driver's license please?" I could tell by the way she said it that she had already asked me at least once. Oops.

I cleared my throat and said, "Oh sorry, Brianna...but I didn't hear you. You see, I'm not a 'm'am'. I'm a 'miss'..."

She looked back at me with wide, innocent, confused eyes. "Oh Sorry. I didn't know....M-Miss." I swallowed back a giggle and handed her my license.

"It's looking kind of bare in here. Spring cleaning?" I asked as I noticed that many of the shelves were empty.

This seemed to remind my first adolenscent friend, Chase, of another commission opportunity he had forgotten about...I know this because he sprang to life like someone had just stuck him in the side with a cattle prodder.

Before poor little Brianna could even answer my question, pushy little Chase had already taken over.

"We're going out of business. We're running a promotion actually...you can get any new release FREE and any older movie FREE, too! Are you interested?"

I considered this. Hell, why not? "Ok, what do I have to do?"

Chase dropped what he was doing and ran (I mean it, literally, he ran) over to where I was and breathlessly asked me to step over to the computer that was at the end of the counter.

When we were in front of the computer, Chase said, "Ok, so you just have to put in your name, address and credit card information, and you'll be all set!"

"But...Chase, we have a problem. You said all of this was free."

"It is! It's totally free!"

"Um, ok, but I guess I'm just wondering why you need my credit card information if it doesn't cost anything..."

Chase looked put out. "Well, technically, you have to sign up for Blockbuster.com which is like Netflix, but you can cancel it right when you get home if you want."

I smiled. I knew this scam. This was how I got people to sign up for stuff when I worked commission jobs as a teenager! "Ok, I can do that, but my pre-husband is actually waiting for me in the car right now. Can I just sign up online and get my free movies next time?"

Chase looked worried. "Well, um...it's kind of like a referral program, and well, like I only get credit if you like put in my employee number so..."

"You could write it down for me, and I could do it later..." Chase perked up and ran back around the counter, searching for a pen like his life depended on it.

I looked over at Brianna. She was leaning against the counter, studying her fingernails, looking extremely bored. "You only get credit if she does it in the store." This came out in a low, hate-filled monotone. I felt for Brianna. I was feeling a little on edge after spending less than 15 minutes with this peppy little pusher. I can't imagine what I would do if I had to spend an entire evening with him...especially if he was stealing all my commission!

Chase's face fell. "Sorry. I'll come back...don't worry." I smiled at him reassuringly and hoped he would just let it go and give me my last season of Dexter without any more guilt, food or exchanging of credit card information.

Thankfully, Brianna intercepted my dvd and handed it to me before Chase had a chance to launch into what was probably not a very convincing rebuttal.

I walked out the door and was just getting into Aaron's XTerra when I heard someone yelling, "Wait! Wait!"

I looked back. Chase. Shit. This little fucker was really persistent!

Chase had run (once again) to get to me before I left, and now he bent at the waist, resting his hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath.

"Bri-gasp-anna, is -gasp- just a -gasp- hater...it will work at home. Here. Please take this." He shoved a crumpled up ball into my palm before he ran back toward the store.

I sat down next to Aaron and unballed the piece of paper. On it was written, 'Chase: Employee Number 5184. Thanks Bunches! Love, Chase'

Aaron looked over and said, "Got some dude's digits?" I laughed.

"Um...yes. Also, phone numbers are only four numbers now! It will be so much more convenient than the standard seven..."