Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Siblings...can't live with them, can't be a hobo (when you're a kid).

My siblings...they have enriched my life, they are my eternal mentors and friends, they grew up with me...aaaaaaand they also made my life a living hell.

There are too many stories to list and I don't have a lot of time...also, I'm seriously distracted by the middle aged black dude sitting next to me at the public library singing about "motherfuckas" in a I'll be brief.

The one story that does come to mind involves my dear old sister Kate...

It involves one of my first "boyfriends" (I use word "boyfriend" loosely...I was 13. Boyfriend basically meant we held hands occassionally, passed notes at school and talked on the phone excessively).

We had been going "out" (i.e. "dating" within a school environment) for about a month, and things were going great. He was totally romantic. He wrote me notes with lots of "xoxo's" on them; he won me a deformed teddy bear at the school carnival and he even made me an awesome mix tape with tons of emotional songs on it like "RunAway Train" by Soul Asylum and "Love Hurts" by Tesla. (I would listen to it every night...before my sister's hand-me-down boom box ate it.)

We talked on the phone for 2 hours every night...if I was able to get to the phone before my sister...and even then, she'd do her best to get me off because she had REAL boyfriends to manage.

It was a Thursday night, and we were discussing in detail the finer ascpects of Tom and Jerry and how the show had never been the same since they gave Jerry a bowtime and made him friendly. (Serious stuff...)

I was twirling the cord of my light blue phone around my toes as I listened to him talk about Butch the dog and the "crambone" song when I heard the knocking begin.

Without opening the door, I knew it was her.

"Be off in a minute!" I yelled, trying to mollify her.

I heard the knob jiggle.

Ha. I'd locked much for her snatching the phone out of my hand and "accidentally" hanging it up like she'd done in the past.

I continued talking ignoring the loud demands coming from the other side of the door.

"ERIN! Get off the phone!!! You have already been on for an hour and a half and all your talking about is stupid tv!!!"

I ignored her and hoped that my boyfriend hadn't heard.

More knocking, more door knob jiggling, huffing, puffing, stomping...then... silence.

I smiled at my reflection in the mirror, and thought to myself, "Good. She gave up."

That's when I heard the unmistakeable click of someone picking up another extension in the house.

Immediately, I tried to get rid of whoever it was.

"I'm on the phone! HANG UP!!"

More silence.

My boyfriend tried to reassure me that no one had, in fact, picked up the phone, but I knew better...

And that's when it happened.

"Erin, Mom just wanted me to tell you to stop flushing your maxi pads down the toilet. No one can use the bathroom when you are done in there."


I was horrified. Frozen. MAXI PADS?!?! IN FRONT OF A BOY?!? How could she?!

I was gulping for air, not sure how I would recover from this disgrace.

I couldn't find words so I just hung the phone up as fast as I could.

"Maybe he didn't even hear her...." I tried to tell myself.

I started pacing my room, simultaneously plotting her ultimate demise while trying to figure out how I could do some damage control...when the phone rang.

Without thinking, I lunged for it. "Hello?"

"It's me." I heard my boyfriend's voice say.

"Oh! Hi!" I tried to sound casual. "Um...sorry. I accidentally hung up on you."

"Oh, that's ok." he said.

I breathed a sigh of relief. He bought it. He probably didn't even hear her!

Yes, yes...that must be it. He didn't hear her.

I instantly felt better.

I sat up straighter, and was about to start talking about the mammy character on Tom and Jerry when he said, "So...why do you flush your pads down the toilet?"

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