If it weren't for my Yahoo home page, I'd never know what was happening in the world. Whenever I check my email, I see a scrolling ticker of the top news stories which I ignore most days, but today, one particular story lured me in.
Congressman Chris Lee resigned last week after a shirtless picture of him hit the internet.
My initial thought upon reading this was: Did they mess up the pronoun? Chris Lee must be a girl...why would some old guy send out pictures of his chest??
As I clicked on the link, I was picturing a cougar with a fake rack, not an older man with hairy nipples. (Not that I wanted to see the cougar...but to be honest, both of them are like watching an intense argument you're not a part of...it's awkward and uncomfortable, but you can't help gawking).
Chris is a 39 year old douche bag with a wife and a son who decided to get on Craigslist to get himself a little strange. ('Getting some strange' is a term coined by a guy friend of mine a few years back...he would say, 'Every guy gets a little restless in a long term relationship...you know, they start wanting a little variety...they want to get themselves a little strange...in the sack!' I'd always shake my head and laugh, but now everytime I hear about a case like this, I think of that...'gettin some strange.'
Stories like this seem to be popping up in the media more and more often, and I can't help wondering why high profile people like Chris Lee leave such a paper trial (even though, in this case, it wasn't an actual paper trail per se...but more of a digital trail) in their wake.
They've got to be smarter than that.
But then I continue reading, and I think...Maybe not.
"I'm a fit, fun, classy guy."
This was the best pickup line Chris Lee could come up with. Perhaps that's why he opted to send the picture of himself? I guess he realized it was a weak comeon so he decided to fortify it with some silver chest hair.
I wonder how he decided on those particular adjectives..."fit, fun and classy". Did he agonize over the decision or was it an impulsive choice?? Was he in front of the computer for hours typing, erasing, re-typing..."active? No...amusing? Shit, no. Sophisticated? no..."
I can picture him there, deliberating by the glow of the computer screen....and then...just as he is at his wit's end, an ad in the lower right hand corner of the screen catches his eye.
Summertime Barbie! She's fit, fun and classy!
A lightbulb goes on over Chris Lee's big, fat head. "That's it!" he thinks. "I work out everyday so I'm definitely fit; everyone is always telling me that I'm tons of fun and of course, I'm classy! I'm a congressman for God's sake!"
I guess the chick he was wooing wasn't falling for that Barbie line so he had to up the ante. He went on to say, "I promise not to disappoint."
I heard the girl wrote him a message back that said, "Um...isn't it a bad sign when a promise has been broken before it's even spoken aloud?? Why would you send me this picture of your disgusting chest, old man?!"
To which he replied, "Just kidding...LOL"
Nice try, Congressman Douche Bag...here's a little tip from the top, next time you're on the prowl for some strange, try not to be such an incredibly amusing and pathetic douche bag.
I heard former president Bill Clinton also gave him some advice regarding this matter. I don't have an exact transcript of the discussion, but I can imagine it went something like this..."Chris, take it from me. I've been cheating on my wife for years, and boy do I know what it's like to want some strange. Modern day conveniences can be tempting, but when you're in politics, you've got to be discreet, man! Kick it old school, bro. You're gonna need to go and find yourself a disguise and hit up Hollywood Boulevard for hookers like the rest of us."
It's such a comfort knowing we have such fine, respectable gentlemen holding the reigns to this great nation of ours...thankfully our biggest enemies have male leaders or we could've been in for some trouble over the years.
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